Why?
by NCISSara
Summary: Tony, Tim, and Ziva are reeling from the disappearance of Gibbs. Author's Note: In this story, all four are in a relationship. If that's not your thing...
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or any of the characters. I am just borrowing them!**

_AN: I do not have a Beta so all mistakes are mine._**  
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He gently drew the sobbing woman close to him. Pressing her to his chest and wrapping his arms around her. He didn't know what else to do.

"Shush, shush, my love. It'll be okay. I'm right here. We're here. We'll always be here. Don't worry." He spoke in soft soothing tones with his cheek pressed gently to the top of her head. He knew that the words he spoke were unimportant. It was the tone that would settle her down. In a little while she would calm down enough to listen to what he was saying.

At first, she was crying so hard that she could barely breathe. She was like a rag doll in his arms. If he let go of her, she would fall. Then her hands clenched into tight fists and she started to struggle against him. Her grief had suddenly turned into anger. It wasn't him she was angry with but he would have to take the brunt of it. He didn't let her go. He knew instinctively that was the worst thing he could do, so he just held her tighter and kept murmuring softly to her.

Eventually, her breathing eased and her sobs quieted. She stopped struggling and he picked her up and walked over to the sofa. He sat down and she curled up in his lap with his arms wrapped around her. He knew that she was almost ready to speak. He thought he was ready to hear it, but when her words finally came, they tore him apart.

"Oh Tony, Gibbs…" she looked up at him, asking him to deny it; begging him to fix it; knowing that he could not. He didn't say anything. There was nothing to say. He just held her a little bit tighter.

"I can't… He… I don't know… Why?" She wasn't able to make sense of what was happening, but it didn't matter. Tony knew her better than anyone. He understood what she meant. He knew exactly how lost she felt.

Gibbs had left them.

He hadn't even told them anything. They had walked into the squad room that morning as usual, but Gibbs never did. They had been called to Vance's office and told that Gibbs had retired. They hadn't believed it. He would have told them. They sat in shock as Vance handed each of them a letter from Gibbs. They didn't open them; they just held them and looked at each other.

Eventually Vance let them leave his office and they took the letters down to autopsy to read them. They didn't discuss it, it just seemed fitting somehow.

_Ziva,_

_I have to leave. _

_I can't explain why. _

_I love you and I always will. _

_Tony and Tim will take care of you. _

_Take care of them. _

_You will be ok._

_Love, _

_Gibbs _

The handwriting was definitely Gibbs'. In fact, the letter was Gibbs all over. She had no doubt that he had written it.

_I have to leave._ _I can't explain why. _The first two lines left her confused. He said that he _had_ to leave, not that he _wanted_ to leave. But why couldn't he explain it? Was someone forcing him to leave or was it just too hard for him to explain?

They had read each others' letters in silence. Tony spoke first. "He wasn't forced to write these. He knows the protocol." They all knew what to do if they were ever forced to write something. Gibbs had insisted that they learn and practice it. It was one of his rules and it was something that only they knew.

If they were ever taken hostage or forced to write something, they were to write in a specific way. Gibbs hadn't done it, which meant he wasn't forced to write it.

_You will be ok._ What about Gibbs? Would he be ok? They at least had each other. What would he do without them?

Tim got up and left without saying anything. Tony followed him. Ziva just sat there alone. She took a few deep breaths and headed back to the squad room. With Gibbs gone, Tony was in charge. He and McGee were sitting at their desks, working. She joined them and no one said anything about Gibbs for the rest of the day.

Tim left at exactly 5:00 without saying anything to them. When Tony got up a few minutes later, Ziva hurried after him, unwilling to be left alone again. She followed him to the house that all four shared. Tim's car was not there. Neither was Gibbs.

She had held it together until Tony had turned to her once they got inside. The look of pain on his face was enough to undo her. Tears started pouring down her face and he had reached out to her, taken her into his arms and comforted her as best as he knew how.

Now that she was coherent, he was ready to talk. "Listen, we will be ok." He looked her directly in the eyes and said firmly. "I promise. I promise we will be ok."

She replied with only one word, the question clear in her voice. "McGee?"

He sighed "He's just upset. He'll be home soon." He didn't really know what was going on with McGee. It was not typical of him to run away from a problem like this. He could only hope that he was right. He didn't think Ziva could stand to lose two of her partners in one day. He knew he couldn't.

It had all started out so innocently. They had grown incredibly close during Ziva's first year. When she joined them, they finally felt complete as a team. They finally felt complete as a family. Their jobs were so demanding, so unusual, so hectic, so classified, that none of them had ever managed to have a successful relationship. The weird thing was that there were plenty of partners who would love to have them; _they_ were inevitably the ones who ended things.

They hadn't realized that the reason was that their relationship needs were already filled by their team members. They did not need, or want, outsiders. Gibbs was the one who brought them together, and he was the one who held them together through some pretty rocky times in the beginning.

Their first night together, they had all been very drunk. They were celebrating the end of a very difficult case and somehow, they had finally been able to understand their feelings and act on them. It started with Ziva. She was sitting between Tony, who had his arm draped loosely around her shoulders and McGee, whose hand was resting on her knee. They were laughing. They were so obviously comfortable and at ease in each others' company and with each others' touch that Gibbs couldn't help but grin.

Ziva caught his smile and asked "What's up Gibbs?" He answered "It just makes me happy to see you three so happy together. Sometimes, I wonder if I made the right decision by bringing you all into this."

Tony spoke up. "Hey now, Gibbs, we chose to become federal agents. We knew what we were getting into."

Gibbs' voice was cold and hard. "You really think that you chose NCIS?" He looked at each of them in turn. They all looked a little confused but he continued. "I chose you. I took you out of your other lives and pulled you into this one. Tony, you would still be a homicide detective if I hadn't recommended you. Tim, you would be sitting in front of a computer every day if I hadn't requested that you remain on my team when your rotation was up. Ziva, you were a temporary liaison between Mossad and us. You would have been back in Israel a year ago if I hadn't asked to keep you."

They looked at each other, realizing for the first time, how much they owed to Gibbs. But what he said next showed them that he didn't see it that way. "I hate myself for doing that to you. You could have had real lives, gotten married, had children, had jobs that didn't involve you risking your lives on a daily basis. I took all of that away from you and I never should have done that. I'm sorry."

Ziva answered for all of them. "Gibbs, you didn't take anything away from us. You gave us a family. I love you guys. I really do. You make me happy. I can't imagine my life without you." He leaned over to where she sat between Tony and Tim and kissed her gently on the cheek. When he tried to draw away, she caught his face between her hands and pulled him back to her. Then she kissed him.

Her kiss was full of passion, passion that had been held in check for too long. Gibbs responded equally passionately. The men sitting on either side of her looked from them to each other. They were in shock.

Tony took his arm from around her shoulders and Tim actually started to get up. Ziva broke off the kiss and grabbed Tim's arm. She pulled him back down and kissed him. It was just as passionate as the one she had shared with Gibbs.

Tony had felt his heart break when she kissed Gibbs and it was only hurting more now. Ziva was supposed to be kissing him, not Gibbs and not McGee. He just sat there in disbelief, unable to move.

When Ziva broke off the kiss with Tim and turned to Tony, he was already reaching out for her. He took her into his arms. He had wanted to do this for so long, now that it was finally happening, he found that he didn't care that she had just kissed Gibbs and McGee.

The rest of that night was pretty much a blur. The four of them had made their way to the bedroom, shedding their clothes along the way. It seemed to Ziva that her feet never really hit the floor along the way. All three men were kissing and caressing her while trying to walk at the same time. At one point, Tony had her pinned to wall kissing her and Gibbs had come along and scooped her up. He practically carried her the rest of the way to the bedroom. When they got there, Tim pulled off the rest of her clothes and threw her down onto the bed.

Tony was right behind her. They started kissing, picking up where they had left off in the hallway. Gibbs turned her to face him and she happily kissed him while Tony caressed her breasts and nibbled her throat. Tim crawled into bed and buried his head between her legs.

She gasped in shock and pleasure and reached out for him, but Gibbs and Tony were holding her so tightly that she couldn't move. When she realized this, she started to panic. She tried to push Gibbs away, but with Tony holding her so tightly, she couldn't get any leverage and he didn't even realize that she wanted up. Tony had started kissing her throat and neck and she tried to turn away, only to find that Gibbs was right there. He claimed her mouth again and she started to feel like she couldn't breathe.

Meanwhile, Tim interpreted her struggles as signs that she was really into what he was doing, and had slid his finger inside her. She managed to break away from Gibbs and cry out, begging them to stop. Suddenly, all three men realized that they had taken things much too fast for her. They immediately released her; ashamed of what had almost happened.

It had almost ended right then and there.

Tim and Tony both mumbled apologies and were starting to leave when Gibbs stopped them. He knew that this was something that they all wanted, _needed_ even. And he knew that if they left now, it would destroy the team. What had almost happened, what had already happened, was not something they would be able to forget and it would hang between them for the rest of their lives. It would drive them apart. It would destroy his team. He would not let that happen.

He ordered the men to sit back down, and turned to Ziva. "Is this something you want to do?" he asked gently.

She looked down at her lap and nodded silently. Gibbs reached out and lifted her chin so that she was looking him in the face. "Is this something you want to do?" he asked again.

"Yes. This is something I want to do. I just…"

"You just got scared." Gibbs finished for her. She nodded and he continued "You got scared when you realized that you had lost control of the situation. But what you forgot was that _we_ were here and we would never hurt you or let you get hurt."

He turned to Tony and McGee. "We should have talked about this before we started, but things just got too crazy for a minute. In this kind of relationship, there has to be an extremely high level of trust between all members. We have that. Ziva trusts us, don't you love?"

He turned to Ziva who nodded and said "You know I do. I trust you with my life. All of you."

He smiled and said "All we need to do is help each other remember that and everything will be fine. Do you want to try again?"

She didn't answer, just turned to Tim, who was closest to her and said "I love you." Then she kissed him. It was a long, slow kiss and when it was over, she repeated it with Tony and then Gibbs.

They had taken things a little slower at first, but as soon as things really started to heat up again, she felt the first stirrings of panic. Gibbs had noticed instantly that time and had whispered into her ear. "Ziva, you're alright. It's just us. We won't hurt you." When she looked into his eyes her fears vanished and he had continued, smiling. "Just relax and enjoy this, my little one."

She had relaxed and had enjoyed it immensely. When it was over, they lay exhausted piled on top of one another. Her head was on Gibbs' chest. Tony was to her right, with one arm draped low over her waist. Tim lay between her and Gibbs with his head on her stomach. They were all grinning.

"I'm going to be able to stop working out as often if we keep this up." She said laughing. "You boys are quite enough of a workout for me." Tony whispered into her ear, but loud enough for all to hear. "You were amazing, love." Tim turned his head and kissed her softly on her stomach just below her belly button and mumbled sleepily. "Mm hm, that was wonderful."

Gibbs kissed her on the forehead and got up to fix them drinks. They had had another round before bed, but it was slower, sweeter, and less frantic than the first time. Then they had gone to sleep, again piled atop one another and happier than any of them had been in a long time.

Their relationship had always been about more than sex. They truly loved each other. This was just a way for them to share their love. They had basically moved in to Gibbs' house, although they kept their own apartments too.

No one seemed to notice that they were living together. They had always carpooled to work from time to time, so it was not suspicious for them to arrive and leave work in one car. They had always flirted and joked a bit, and that had not changed. They had always been comfortable with one another. No one noticed when the relationship changed.

But now Gibbs was gone.

Why?


	2. Chapter 2

**This chapter is focused on Tim. It's mostly angst, no real relationshippy stuff in this chapter. More of that later... ;) Please let me know what you think of this chapter. It's my first multi-chapter fic. Thanks!**

It was 2:00 AM when Tony finally tracked him down and just one look at Tony's face made it plain to him just how badly he had fucked up.

Tony walked across the mostly empty bar and slid into the booth across from him. Neither of them spoke. The investigator in Tony had quickly noted the eight empty glasses on the table, the full ashtray, the slight tremor in the hand that held the final drink of the night, and the anger which had carried him here, had evaporated.

He reached across the table and slipped the drink out of the other man's hand, tossed it back quickly, and found that the burn of the liquor in his throat helped.

The waitress, acting on earlier orders, brought a fresh drink to the table without being asked. Tony took it, and handed her his credit card. "Put it on my tab and bring one more drink, please."

She returned a few minutes later with the card and a second drink, which Tony also took.

After she left, the two men just sat there for a minute, neither of them knowing what to say. Finally Tim broke the silence with one word, making eye contact for the first time since Tony had sat down.

"Ziva?"

"Oh, she's great, Tim. She's doing just great." The sarcastic words seemed ripped involuntarily from his mouth. "It's not like she hasn't been through this type of shit before. Our girl's a pro." These were words intended to hurt.

They did.

Tony regretted them the minute they were out of his mouth. But it was, as always, too late to take them back. _God, what's wrong with me? I didn't come here to make it worse._

"Listen Tim, I'm…"

"No. Tony, you're right. I should have been there for her, and for you." He leaned back in his seat and looked away. "I just… couldn't. I couldn't face it yet." He turned to Tony and saw his own pain mirrored in those green eyes he loved so much. "I didn't want it to be true."

"I know" was all he could say, but it was true. He didn't want to admit that this was happening either.

"I've been sitting here for hours trying to figure out _why_. It doesn't make any sense." Then he looked up at Tony, and in his eyes was an eerie echo of what had been in Ziva's earlier in the night. He was begging Tony to _fix it_, and knowing that he could not.

_It isn't fair _Tony thought. _They can't really expect me to make this go away. Why am I the one that has to be strong? Why can't I collapse in tears or run away to the bar? Why do they look at me as if I had some brilliant plan to fix this?_

Something inside of him whispered an answer. _They look at you like that because you _should_ have a plan. You go out of your way to convince everyone that you _always_ know what you're doing. It's your own fault. _

_And what are you going to do when they figure out that you really don't have a clue?_

Tony cut off this dangerous line of thought, knocked back the last drink, and got Tim up and out of the bar. At least he could do that. He could bring Tim home.

He would worry about Gibbs later.

* * *

><p>Ziva had woken up from her fitful sleep as soon as he got up off the couch they were sharing. "Tony?" she asked.<p>

"Go back to sleep, love." He whispered. "I'm going to find Tim. I'll be back soon."

She was tired, too exhausted to argue, so she just nodded, not really believing that he would be able to find him and worried that even if he did, Tim wouldn't come home.

He saw the doubt in her eyes and reached for her, tilting her face up to his. "I promise. I'll find him. We'll be home soon." _What are you doing? _His mind screamed at him._ You shouldn't promise her this. You _know_ you might not be able to do it._

But it had worked, she trusted him, believed that he would bring Tim back to her. She laid her head back down on the couch and he covered her with a blanket before he left. She laid there not sleeping, trying not to think.

He had been gone for hours before she saw the headlights sweep across the room, heard his car pulling into the drive. She held her breath and listened,her heart breaking a little more at the sound of the car door shutting, only o_ne _car door. Funny, she hadn't thought she could take any more heart break, yet it kept right on beating anyway.

The sound of the second car door had her up and racing across the room. He had done it! Tony had found Tim and brought him home. Her footsteps slowed as she neared the door, her initial relief turning into anger.

She was standing in front of the door when Tony opened it. Tim was standing slightly behind and to his right. Tony had a split second to read her face as she flew at Tim and it was a good thing he had fast reflexes. He had expected her to be happy, but her eyes flashed fire and the words she spat at Tim dripped with pain. "You promised. You promised. You said you wouldn't leave me and you left. You promised."

Tony, gripping her tightly, gently pushed her back inside the house and held her against the wall as she struggled to reach Tim. "Ziva. Ziva." She wasn't making sense. "He didn't leave. He was just…" He couldn't find the right words, the words that would make her understand, calm her.

Tim took over. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Ziva. I never meant to hurt you. I just needed some time." He stepped closer and reached out to her. "I love you. I won't ever leave you."

Tony felt her relax against him and stepped back. He watched as Tim took two steps and fell to his knees in front of her. Saw the silent sobs that shook him and watched as Ziva dropped to her knees and embraced him, the two of them crying and talking at the same time, both tripping over their words of apology and explanation and neither really hearing the other.

It didn't matter. Tim was home. Now all that was left was Gibbs.

**I have figured out what's up with Gibbs. I'm just having trouble writing it, I think I had to deal with the Tim part first. Please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

Tony stood over the two of them in the entryway of the home they all shared. A faint smile ghosted his lips for the first time that day as he watched his partners. Even tired and more than a little drunk, Tim was good with her in a way that he just couldn't match.

Tony and Ziva were extremely close, yet their relationship had always been complicated. Always almost hyper-aware of each other; they seemed to be able to communicate without speaking. After all that they had been through together, they were able to read every nuance in each other's expression and body language, were able to hear the things their voices so often left unsaid. Yet despite this ability, there remained a barrier between them that prevented them from talking about things.

Tony was _always_ the one who realized when something about a crime scene triggered her memories of that horrible time in Somalia. No matter how well she hid it from the others, he always saw.

But talk about it?

Nope.

That he was never able to do for her. So it was a good thing that she could read the understanding in his eyes, a good thing that she knew that he stuck so close to her on those awful cases to offer his silent support. And it was enough. It was more than enough; most of the time.

He had done everything he knew how to do for her, but she needed more. She needed someone she could talk to about Gibbs' abrupt disappearance. She needed Tim.

They both did. But he stood there, not a part of the conversation, content with the fact that Tim was home.

Wrapped in each other's arms, as the tears dried on their faces, the two of them were finally to talk about w_hy._ It was the question that haunted them all. Ziva was the one who finally began the conversation. "Why did he leave us? Did we do something wrong?"

Tim didn't answer right away. First he settled down on the floor with his back against the wall and pulled her down next to him. The way she sat there, with her knees tucked in tightly against her chest, her shoulders tense, her hands clenched, telegraphed her anxiety so clearly to Tony that he dropped down to the floor and pulled her into his lap.

Tim glanced at Tony, who simply nodded for him to answer the question.

He reached out and took her hands in his before answering. "I've gone over and over it all day, and _I just_ _don't know_."

Ziva drew in a shuddering breath that cut straight through Tony's heart, but didn't respond so Tim continued. "I do know that he loves us and he would never do anything to hurt us. So there must be something wrong. We've got to figure it out, find him, and help him."

As soon as he said it, they knew it was true. They had been so afraid that he had decided he didn't want them, didn't need them anymore that they had overlooked the most obvious answer.

He hadn't abandoned them. He was in trouble and he needed their help.

The hard part was over. Now they could begin to do what they do best, use their investigative skills to solve a problem. By the time they got up from the floor, they all felt better. They had a plan. But it wouldn't be easy. Gibbs clearly didn't intend for them to find him and if anyone could stay one step ahead of these three agents, it was Gibbs.

They decided to start at the office. Maybe there was something in Gibbs' recent case files that would give them a clue. Maybe Abby or Ducky knew something that could help them. They would put out a BOLO on his car, track his cell phone, monitor his accounts, but these were all the things that he would expect them to do and they didn't have much hope that they would lead anywhere. Still, it felt good to be able to go to bed with a plan.

They settled into the bed they all shared and even though it felt empty without Gibbs, they were so exhausted that they all three quickly fell asleep.

* * *

><p>He entered the silent house through the open front door. He smiled to himself when he found it unlocked. Some things never change. He climbed the stairs and headed unerringly for the bedroom. He opened the door silently and slid his hand across the wall locating the light switch. He closed his eyes to protect them from the dazzlingly bright lights he knew to expect when he flipped the switch.<p>

His eyes opened a split second later to the sight of a gun pointed directly at his head and two others at his chest.

He froze, hands out to his sides, showing he was unarmed, giving the three agents a chance to realize that he was not a threat.

Tony spoke first. "Jesus Christ, Fornell, what the hell are you doing?" From Tony's left, on the far side of the bed, Tim lowered his weapon and sank down onto the bed, but Tony kept his gun steady and his body between the invader and Ziva, who was behind him. Ziva lowered her gun, but remained tensely crouched in the center of the bed.

"Point that thing somewhere else, DiNozzo." He said, unable to keep the irritation out of his voice. "I came here to _help_ you." When Tony didn't move, he continued, in a slightly more soothing tone. "I guess I should have knocked."


	4. Chapter 4

In the kitchen, Fornell turned down the coffee McGee offered him and headed down to the basement. "I think I might actually need some of that rotgut Gibbs keeps down here."

The three agents followed him each clutching a steaming cup of coffee.

Tony watched, impatiently, as Fornell went through the obviously familiar ritual of emptying the glass jar of nails and filling it with a liberal amount of bourbon. His instincts were screaming at him that Fornell's presence could mean nothing good.

Fornell took a sip, grimaced, and then downed the rest. He looked at the half-completed boat and remarked. "Funny, every important conversation I have ever had in this house has been in this basement."

Tony wasn't the only one getting impatient with Fornell. "If you have information on Gibbs, you need to tell us. Now." Tim spoke softly, but his tone was anything but.

Fornell took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, turned to Tony and said one word.

"_Electus"_

Tim shot a questioning glance at Ziva, who looked just as confused at he did. Although the word meant nothing to them, it clearly had an impact on Tony. She stepped closer and started to reach out to him, but stopped short; recognizing that it would be dangerous to get too close to him right now.

She had never seen him look like this before. She searched his face but found no hint of the sweet, slightly goofy, Tony she knew. Instead, the narrowed eyes and tightly clenched jaw revealed a haunted man who was seconds away from destroying the man in front of him.

Fornell took a step back and for the second time that night, put his hands out in front of him to show he was not a threat.

It was over in a second. His inner struggle ended and Tony sat down heavily on the bench Ziva was by his side in an instant. "What is it, Tony?" she asked softly as she touched his shoulder.

He didn't seem to hear her. His eyes remained on the floor as he spoke. "No." he shook his head and said. "No. He doesn't know."

When Fornell didn't answer, he glanced up at him. Fornell grabbed a chair and sat it across from Tony. He didn't speak until he was sitting, eye to eye with Tony, and then said quietly. "He knows."

"How?"

Fornell paused again, uncertain how Tony would react to his answer. "He knows because I told him."

Tony shook his head disbelievingly and said. "How do _you_ know about it? It was an Agency op. Highly classified."

"Not exactly, Tony." He answered. "It was my operation; we ran it out of the Bureau."

Tony snorted. "Right. That's why Kort was the one who brought me in."

"I chose Kort for the same reason I chose you. He was a member too."

Tony had no answer for this. Fornell got up and poured another glass of bourbon. "I think it's time to explain everything to your partners, Tony. They've been more than patient. And if they're going to help find Gibbs they're going to need to know."

Tony turned to them for the first time since entering the basement and pain washed over him. _It's over. They are never going to trust me again. _But he knew Fornell was right. He had to come clean.

"This isn't easy to explain…" he began.

Tim broke in, trying to make it easier for his partner. "You were in an undercover operation…"

"Oh, Tim, it goes back much farther than that." He took a deep breath and started talking. Surprising even himself with how easily the words came, now that he had started.

"You know that boarding school I went to? My dad picked that school because it was the best school money could buy for your kid… if you were an international arms dealer. Everyone, the real big-shots anyway, sent their kids there. It was… discreet. They thought we were safe there."

"My dad never explained why he sent me and I had only a vague idea of what he did for a living. I knew just enough to know that I had to keep my mouth shut about it. It was the same for the other kids."

"But we were smart." He looked up to see if they were still with him. Ziva nodded for him to continue. She understood. Her father had not been the most… ethical of men either.

"You found each other." She said gently. Tony nodded. "Yeah. We found each other."

"It wasn't hard. We were just kids, picking on our friend, Drew, because of his passport photo and I paged through it and realized that I had been to all of the countries he had visited. But when I asked him about it, he clammed up."

Tony stopped his narrative to sip at the coffee, gone cold in his hand.

"I should have let it go, but… you know me." He flashed a sarcastic grin at them and continued.

"I brought him my passport and we started talking. We had all this stuff in common, that was too weird. Our fathers' were both 'businessmen' who had dragged us to meetings in Korea, Israel, Nicaragua, Iran… fun places for kids you know?"

Ziva and Tim were not all that concerned about the fact that Tony's father was an international criminal. They had never really liked the man and had always suspected something… But they had never judged Tony for it. He was not his father.

But as Tony's story continued, shock and disbelief began to grow.

"We were smart. We recognized that these names, places, faces, events connected us to some of the others too and we…" He hesitated, obviously hesitant to share the next part of the story. Then he continued very rapidly, as if eager to get past this part.

"We formed a group. Very _Skull and Bones_ type shit. And we called it _Electus_. 'The Chosen' There were seven of us at first."

"Our fathers' were the most powerful international arms dealers in the world. But we realized that their power was limited because they competed with each other, couldn't trust each other. We would become more powerful, because we would work together."

"It started out as a game. We enjoyed the thought that we were going to grow up to rule the world." He looked at his coffee, but decided against it.

"I swear, I thought it was a game… but it got real. We were probably the only group of kids who actually _could_ grow up to run the world. Nobody was watching us. We had way too much money, and our connections… our names…" He trailed off for a minute, and when he resumed, his voice was full of pain.

"Drew changed his mind. He wanted out but they wouldn't let him. He threatened to go to his father, and they… we killed him. Had him killed anyway.

"We were watching." Fornell broke in. "When the kid of one of the biggest arms dealers in the world is murdered, it attracts attention."

"You were too late." Tony said bitterly.

"It wasn't your fault, Tony. There was nothing you could do to stop them. They would have killed you too. You've been beating yourself up over that kid's death ever since and it wasn't your fault."

Tony stood up slowly and walked across the room, his face turned away from the others.

"It _was_ my fault. I _started_ that group. I am responsible for every single thing they have done. That's why I agreed to do the op with Kort. I wanted to end it. I guess we failed."

He turned to Tim and Ziva. "I'm so sorry…if Gibbs is in trouble over this, it's my fault too."

**AN: The next chapter will explain the undercover op that Tony and Kort worked on together. It obviously has to do with the group _Electus_, and I will finally get around to explaining how Gibbs got involved. **


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: This chapter wraps up the explaination of Tony's involvement in _Electus_, and finally explains where Gibbs is. **

He watched his partners as they tried to absorb the information. He could always tell what Ziva was thinking, but this time it was just as easy with McGee. _They don't want to believe it. They still want to be able to see me as one of the good guys. But I'm not. I never have been. It was only a matter of time til they figured it out anyway. _His thoughts were interrupted by Tim.

He walked toward him, put his hands on Tony's shoulders and looked him directly in the eyes. "Tony, I don't know the whole story, but it sounds like you got in over your head when you were just a little kid, and then you tried to fix it."

His next words showed that Tony wasn't the only one who could read his partners' minds. "It isn't your fault. You don't have anything to apologize for. You are not the bad guy."

Ziva watched as Tony struggled to understand McGee's words. She had always known that there were some dark secrets in Tony's past; some things that haunted him. But she had never been able to help because he would never talk about it.

Now she could help. When Tony shrugged off Tim's hands and stepped back, she followed him, not allowing him to back away. "We love you, Tony. It doesn't matter what happened to you as a kid. The important thing is who you are now." She stepped closer to him and reached up to touch his face. "You are a man who became a cop; you are someone who spends his life tracking down murderers, drug dealers, terrorists… and arms dealers, and brings them to justice."

The love he heard in their voices reassured him. _Maybe they were right. Maybe he didn't need to work so hard to hide his past. Maybe these people did truly love him no matter what. _He reached out to them and they embraced, completely forgetting Fornell's presence until he interrupted.

"Hey, I hate to ruin this Hallmark Moment you guys have going on here, but we need to stay focused on finding Gibbs."

Tony looked up and nodded. "You're right. But I still don't understand how _Electus_ is involved."

"I told you that the Bureau was watching your little group, and we still are. We are watching very closely. They are not little kids anymore, and they are up to some dangerous shit. We decided that it was time to move in, but we needed your help to stop them."

"But why pretend that the CIA was behind it? Why not just come to me and say 'Hey DiNozzo, we've been watching you all this time and we think you can help?' Why all the secrecy?" As soon as the question was out of his mouth, he knew the answer.

"You were still watching _me_. I cut all my ties with them, became a cop, joined NCIS, and you were still watching me."

"Hell yes we were watching you, DiNozzo. Most of us were convinced that you were still in. It was hard to tell if you were really a good guy like you seemed, or if you were just really good at being bad."

He stood up. "To be honest, I always had my doubts about you. Until I realized that Gibbs trusted you. Gibbs always knows. Somehow, he can just tell." He paused, "It was my idea to use you in the operation."

He took a deep breath before continuing, "But the Bureau wouldn't sanction my idea. They agreed to use you, but wouldn't let me come clean to you. We pretended it was CIA because…"

"Because then you assholes could keep on watching me after it was over." Tony was pissed. He was getting tired of being used, being kept in the dark, not being trusted by the people in command.

Fornell sighed. "Yes. We kept watching. That's how I knew you guys would be here tonight and that's how I know where Gibbs is."

He turned to Ziva and Tim. "Tony was approached by Kort, who had been undercover as a "member" of _Electus_. He was a perfect fit for this group. His own father was… unsavory, shall we say?"

"_He's_ unsavory." Ziva grumbled quietly, unable to keep the venom out of her voice. None of them liked the man. They had good reasons for not liking him. Fornell smiled to himself. "I don't like him either, but he is useful. He had the contacts to bring Tony back into the group. He convinced them that Tony had been working on a major score of Navy weapons and needed their help."

"So that's how you got them?" McGee asked. "Got them to accept stolen weapons that Tony handed to them? That's pretty good." Fornell smiled when he answered McGee. "No, McGee. We could have gotten them for that at any time. No, what Tony and Kort did was use the group to lead us to the _buyers_."

"Who were they?" Ziva asked. But Fornell shook his head and said "Sorry. That's classified. But believe me, you are very glad that we got those sons' of bitches."

Tony spoke up. "But what went wrong? I got out clean. They never knew I double crossed them. What is Gibbs trying to do?"

"You did get out clean." Fornell looked at Tony and continued more gently. "But you pissed someone off and they decided to take you down."

_Jeanne. It had to be Jeanne. _She had never forgiven him for deceiving her. But was she really capable of this…

He looked up at Fornell. "What did she do?"

This was the question Fornell had dreaded from the moment he had stepped through the door. Instead of answering right away, he turned to Tim and Ziva. "Jeanne Benoit inherited more than just her father's money. She has met a lot his former 'associates' and after his death, she… became convinced that Tony was to blame, and she wants revenge."

He turned back to Tony. "She knows that the best way to hurt _you_ is to hurt the one's you love. That's why she went after Gibbs."

"How do you know that?" Tony asked.

"I know because she decided to trust Kort, just like her father did. She explained her plan to him and when he told me about it, I went straight to Gibbs." He looked at each one of them before continuing. "I told him everything. He needed to know it because she was planning to kill him. I… I thought he would come to you and you would work it out together."

"He knew that when she caught up to him, she would find out about Tim and Ziva too. He left so that they would be safe." Tony headed towards the stairs. "We have to find him before she does."

Fornell spoke very quietly, but they all heard him. "It's too late, Tony. She already found him."

**Please, please review! I need some feedback! Oh, and there is a lot more angsty stuff coming up in the next chapter. **


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: This story is surprising me with how it is turning out. They do seem to take on a life of their own don't they? Anyway, hope you enjoy!**

"She has him?" Tony whipped around to face Fornell. "Where is he?"

Fornell held up his hands, in an effort to calm the man. "Calm down, DiNozzo. We have a… plan… to get him back."

Tony caught the warning glance that Ziva shot him, and he knew that she had heard something in Fornell's voice, the slight hesitation on the word plan, and it bothered her as much as it bothered him.

"We don't need the Bureau's help on this, Fornell. Just tell us where he is and we'll take it from there." Tony demanded, glancing at Tim and Ziva to confirm that they were with him. They were. Whatever the "plan" was, they could tell Fornell didn't think that the three of them were going to like it. That probably meant that they wouldn't.

Fornell walked up to Tony and looked him directly in the eyes. "Sit down." He barked. "Listen to what I have to say. If you don't like it, you can do whatever you want to do. But Tony, you need to listen to me."

Tony glanced at his partners. There was something in Fornell's tone, a warning almost, that made him decide to listen. Fornell obviously had information that he still hadn't shared with them. "Alright. What haven't you told us yet? What are we missing?"

Fornell answered. "Jeanne is not the only problem."

_Awesome. This day just keeps getting better and better. _"Spit it out, Fornell." Tony was loosing patience.

"We got some intel from another contact in Electus_. _We think it's legit." He paused, knowing that this next part would be hard for him to take. "When Jeanne started asking questions about you, they decided to do some digging on their own. Tony, they aren't _positive_ that you double crossed them, but they've run out of patience with you."

He stopped talking, went to Tony and put a hand on his shoulder. "A few hours ago, they found Jeanne… and Gibbs. Tony, I'm sorry, but she's dead and Electus has Gibbs. Their plan is to lure you in by using him as bait."

His mind was spinning out of control. He couldn't have heard him correctly. _It's my fault. She's dead and it's my fault. Until I met her, she was happy. She was a doctor, for Christ's sake, she _helped_ people. Now she's turned into a kidnapper who deals with arms dealers. _His train of thought shuddered to a halt with a sudden, sick realization. _She's not a kidnapper. She's dead. She's dead and it's my fault._

Tim and Ziva were there. Trying to talk to him, soothe him. They seemed to be trying to tell him that this wasn't his fault. They might as well have been speaking a different language. Nothing they said made any sense to Tony. His mind had finally jumped the tracks from Jeanne…_ She's dead… My fault... _to Gibbs. _They've got him. They have Gibbs and it's my fault._

When Tony looked up at him, Fornell knew that he had accomplished what he came here to do. DiNozzo would go along with the plan. It would most likely result in his death, but there was no doubt in his mind. He would do whatever it took to get Gibbs back and avenge Jeanne's death. _He believed that all of this was his fault._

Tim and Ziva knew it too.

Tony spoke quietly. "What's the plan?"

Fornell quickly outlined the plan for them, cutting off the protests of the other agents. They would wait for Electus to contact Tony and then he would meet them; exchange himself for Gibbs' release. Then he would have to convince his former friends that he wasn't a traitor; that they could trust him. If all went well, they would let him go.

"Absolutely not. No way. No." Ziva was adamant. "Gibbs would never allow you to sacrifice yourself for him, Tony."

"Well, it's a good thing he's not here to stop me isn't it?" Tony growled. Then he stopped, realizing that nothing he could say would convince the two of them to go along with this plan, unless he could convince them that it would work; that it was the only thing that would work. _I have to lie to them. It's the only way they'll let it happen._

He took a different tone. "Look, Ziva, I'm sorry. It's just that… I know these people. I have known them most of my life. They do trust me." _They don't. _ "I can convince them that Jeanne was wrong." _They don't _care_ if she was wrong. "_That she was crazy with grief over the death of her father, and looking for someone to blame. I can do this." _They'll never believe me. "_It's the only way." _It really is the only way.._

"What's to stop them from putting a bullet in your head as soon as you walk through the door, Tony? How do we know that they haven't already… killed Gibbs?" McGee demanded.

He looked directly into his partner's eyes and lied to him. "They will have questions for me, Tim." _They'll torture me for a few days before they kill me. "_Even if they _are_ convinced that I betrayed them to the Feds, they will need to know _exactly_ what information I gave them." He gestured casually towards Fornell. "But, as Fornell just explained, they aren't really sure about that anyway." _They are._

"They won't kill Gibbs. Not if I show up." _At least this part is true._ "They have a twisted sense of honor and they won't break their end of the deal."

He could tell that they were buying it. _I must be an even better liar than I realized. _"Why don't we work out the details while we wait and when they make contact, if anything seems wrong, we'll scrap this plan and go with something else?" _Please, please say yes. _

His phone rang. It was now or never. "If I don't show up, they will know that I betrayed them and they will kill him. _They will kill Gibbs_."

That got them. Neither spoke, but he knew they would agree.

"Very Special Agent, Anthony DiNozzo, speaking. What can I do for you?" He answered his phone on the third ring sounding as casual as always. As if he had no idea who was calling.

* * *

><p>Gibbs was covered in blood. <em>How had things gone so wrong?<em>

When he left Fornell, he had gone to Jeanne. She had pulled a gun on him and he started talking. He told her about Jenny Sheppard and her vendetta against Jeanne's father. He told her that Tony was just a dedicated agent who had gotten caught up in Jenny's private war, that he was innocent.

He blamed everything on Jenny. He even told her that Jenny was the one who shot and killed her father. He swore to her than Tony had had nothing to do with it. He told her how devastated he had been when it was all over.

And she had believed him.

She had dropped her gun and broken down. He had relaxed because it was over. He was safe. _His team was safe._

Yet, mere moments later, here he was; being held at gun point in the back of van, covered in Jeanne's blood, his heart breaking as he listened to one of his captors talk on the phone.

From the second the door burst open revealing four heavily-armed men, he had known exactly who they were. Jeanne had jumped up when they swarmed into the room and he had watched, helpless, as the bullets tore through the young woman.

There had been nothing he could do to save her. She was dead before she hit the floor.

Now he realized that there was nothing he could do to save Tony. Tony would do what the man demanded. He would trade himself for Gibbs and there was _nothing_ Gibbs could do to stop him.

**AN: If you are glad that Gibbs is ok, you should thank thebreakfastgenie for her review... she threatened that Gibbs better be ok "or... or...ELSE!" Your wish was granted breakfastgenie... you get two more! **

**Anyone care to put in a request for poor Tony? And just for the record... I never liked Jeanne anyway.**


	7. Chapter 7

_Author's Note: When Tony is reading Gibbs' letter, the part in regular font is what Gibbs wrote (from Chapter 1), the part in italics is what Tony is thinking as he reads it._

Tony looked at Ziva and Tim. _How do you say goodbye to the people you love when you can't tell them you won't be coming back?_

What did he want to tell them? What _could_ he tell them?

He glanced down at the letter that Gibbs had left him.

Yep. That covered everything.

I have to leave.

_I need them to know that this is something I have to do. I don't want this, but this is my mess and I have to be the one to clean it up._

I can't explain this.

_You wouldn't have let me go if you knew._

I love you.

_That is the most important part. I need them to understand that I am doing this because I love them and I always will. _

Take care of each other.

_They will need each other to be strong. Gibbs will think he failed and will need Tim and Ziva to convince him that this is not his fault. Tim and Ziva will need each other to help them through the pain. This time, Tim won't leave her to deal with his pain alone, because he knows that she needs him and that she can help him too.._

You will be ok.

_I have to believe that they will be ok without me._

He didn't need to tell them anything. Gibbs already had. They would understand in time.

It was time to go.

Ziva wrapped her arms around him and whispered into his ear. "Promise me, Tony. Promise me that you'll be ok?" He looked over her shoulder at Tim and saw her question mirrored in his eyes. _One more lie._ He hugged her tightly then stepped back, looking at them both."I promise. They'll let Gibbs go and we'll talk and then they'll let me go too." He spoke firmly, his voice betraying none of the doubt he felt. _Please believe me. _

They did.

* * *

><p>Fornell glanced in the rearview mirror at DiNozzo, marveling at his strength. He knew. He knew he wouldn't get out of this one. But he had done what he had to do so that the people he cared about would be ok. Fornell could tell that it was tearing him up inside to lie to them, but he had done it anyway.<p>

Tony got out of the car and walked the last few blocks to the rendezvous point alone, praying that Gibbs wasn't going to do anything that might screw up his careful planning. Everything in his plan relied on his ability to convince Gibbs that he had a plan to save them both, but he knew he wouldn't have much time to convince him.

His old friend was sitting at a table, right where he said he would be. Tony sat down across from him at the crowded outdoor coffee shop. "Daniel" he said with a curt nod.

"Tony" was his equally curt reply. No smiles. _This is not going to be fun._

"Where's Special Agent Gibbs?"

"He's in the van." He answered, with a quick nod in the direction of van with heavily tinted windows. "Once you get into the car with me, we'll let him go." Daniel spoke quietly, but in his tone was a warning. _Don't try to fuck with us, or we'll kill him._

Tony was relieved. He wasn't going to be given a chance to talk to him; wouldn't have to lie to him. Gibbs was the one person who Tony had never been able to fool.

"Let's do it."

He was "helped" into the back seat of the car, sandwiched tightly between two armed men he didn't recognize, and then he watched as the van door opened and Gibbs stepped out. _Gibbs was covered in blood._ "What the fuck…"

"Relax, my friend." Daniel said from the front seat. "He's not hurt. That's…. someone else's… blood." He watched Tony as he processed this information. His initial reaction showed his relief that his friend was ok. He sank back into the seat, relief flooding over him. But Daniel kept watching, waiting for the moment of realization. And he enjoyed it when it came. The look of pain on Tony's face; his eyes shut tightly against the recognition that it was Jeanne's blood on Gibbs.

* * *

><p>There seemed to be nothing left in his life but questions; questions and pain. He clung to the only thing that helped him keep his sanity. The people he loved were safe. That was the only thing that mattered.<p>

They gave him only enough water to drink so that he could continue to answer their questions. They hadn't given him any food and he was getting weaker. Maybe their plan was to starve him to death. That thought didn't bother him very much. He didn't seem to care any more. All he wanted was for it to be over.

His friends were not going to be able to find him. He knew better than to hope for that. He had gone into this situation knowing that it was highly unlikely that Electus was going to believe that he hadn't double crossed him. He expected them to ask him a few questions and then kill him.

But that had been almost a week ago and they hadn't killed him yet. When they asked him questions, he told them what they expected to hear. No, he wasn't a traitor. No he hadn't given them up to the Feds. No, he didn't know what had gone wrong. No he didn't know who had double crossed him. No. No. No. He had answered the same questions over and over again.

They knew he was lying. Every time he answered a question they hurt him and each time it got worse. At first they had simply hit him when he lied. One the first day his answers earned him punches to the face that broke his nose, fractured his cheekbone, and rattled his brain.

On the second day he earned a kick to his side that resulted in several ribs which made breathing difficult.

On the third day, they started cutting him. The cuts weren't deep. They didn't want him to bleed to death, but they hurt. One cut for every lie. He could feel them seared into his back.

One the fourth day, they started electrocuting him. Lie. Shock. Lie. Shock.

But the worst thing had been Jeanne. They had brought her in on what he thought was the fifth day; had tied her decomposing body to the chair in front of him and left her there. It had nearly driven him mad.

He was tired of it. This time, when Daniel came in to question him, he had tried something new. Daniel was the one that questioned him most often and Tony knew that he was the one that would make the decision on when to kill him.

"Daniel, why haven't you killed me yet?" He asked.

"Why haven't you haven't told the truth yet, Tony".

"You don't want to hear it."

"Yes. I do." He leaned forward eagerly. "If you want this to end, all you have to do is tell me the truth."

Tony nodded and started talking. "Fine. The truth is that you _know_ I was the one who double crossed you. But I don't think you brought me here to admit that. I think you brought me here for something else."

Daniel smiled and leaned back in his chair. "Oh really, and what is that?"

"You brought me here because you want to figure out how I did it." Daniel interrupted him. "We _know_ how you did it, Tony. You convinced Kort that you were legit and…"

Tony cut him off with a laugh. "That's not what I meant, Daniel." He took a steadying breath and continued, "You want to know how I got out."

He leaned as far forward as his bonds would allow and looked his old friend directly in the eyes. "You want to know why I do not feel guilty for all the things we did."

"You want to know how it is that I can go to sleep every single night, without hearing Drew begging us not to kill him." _That hit home. Daniel still feels guilty about what we did. I can work with this._

"Listen, Daniel. I can help you. I can get you out. You know I can. You can be like me. You don't have to let what you did, _what we did_, rule the rest of your life."

Daniel wanted to believe him. He really did. But it was too late. "What we did to Drew, that wasn't the worst thing I have done, Tony. _You_ got out, but I kept on. I have hurt too many people." His eyes were full of pain and regret. "It's too late for me. I can't make up for what I have done. _You can't help me._"

Tony knew it was true, but he wasn't about to give up on his only way out.

"Maybe you're right, but you can help _me_, Daniel. You can let _me_ go. And if you do that, if you let me go, you'll have done something to help yourself."

He leaned back in his chair. Exhausted from even that little bit of talking. He watched the world fade to black and his last conscious thought was _I tried._

**So… do you think it worked? Will Daniel let him go? **


End file.
